Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatoulahi wa Barakatuhu.

This subject is one of the most common reasons for marriage breakdown in our community.  Unfortunately BOTH men and women in our communities suffer from domestic violence. Really, It’s true. Due to the ignorance and Taboo, I intend to shed some light on this issue and Insha’Allah give an Islamic perspective and some education on Domestic Violence.

YOU MAY BE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IF:
  • You are frightened of or feel responsible for your partners temper or behaviour.
  • You are compliant because you are afraid of being punished by your partner.
  • You make decisions according to what your partner wants to how he will react.
  • You have been kicked, hit shoved or had things thrown at you or around you.
  • You have been called names, degraded or humiliated privately or publicly.
  • You are unjustly accused of having affairs.
  • You are blamed for things that are not your fault.
  • You have been threatened of being ‘ outed ‘ if you don’t comply with your partners demands.
  • You have been forced to have sexual intercourse or been caused pain sexually without your consent.

Below you will find a brief definition of Physical abuse and typical behaviours.

Physical Abuse

Any forceful physical behaviour that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction. It includes the following:

  • Hitter, beating, choking, pushing, slapping, kicking, pulling hair, biting & burning.
  • Denying / interfering with partners basic physical needs (eating sleeping)
  • abusing or threatening abuse of children.
  • Use of a weapon against partner.

Domestic violence has NO gender

In our communities theres belief that there’s no such thing as a man being abused physically by his wife / girlfriend. Unfortunately, that’s not true. According to graph 1.3 on Statistics Canada Men are also the victims of Domestic Violence. http://bit.ly/1ATP1Kk

Screen Shot 2016-04-16 at 9.27.40 PM

The cycle of violence

When it comes to violence psychology tells us that it’s a reoccurring cycle.

It starts off with Normalcy. Normalcy is when everything is perfectly fine in the relationship.

Next comes Fantasy setup. This is what happens when the perpetrator is everything they weren’t. Everything is perfect, you couldn’t ask for more. This leads to the next step in the cycle called Tension building.

Tension building is when the perpetrator can’t fake the fantasy anymore. They start to slowly go back to who they were when the Normalcy step took place. They get more frustrated. The arguments, the comments, the controlling. etc. They get frustrated easily and start to take it out on you. They get angry more often and you’re the subject of their anger, no matter what you do. That leads us to the next step of Abuse. 

Abuse. The abuse starts. The hitting, chocking, kicking, cussing. 

cycle of violence

The cycle of violence is a continuous cycle that doesn’t stop until you make it stop. You’re the only one who can control the situation, and by control I mean leave the situation.

 

The Prophet was reported to have asked his companions incredulously and admonishingly: “could any of you beat your wife as he would a slave, and then lie with her in the evening?Bukhari in Sahih Muslim

 

Under no circumstances is such abuse against women or men, in its various manifestations, encouraged or allowed in Islam.

A lot of the times spouses use religion to justify the abuse. Here is a photo of the Muslim wheel of Domestic Violence created by Sharifa Al Khateeb. It is Similar to the Cycle of Violence as seen above.

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For more information on this wheel please visit: http://bit.ly/1TYTOFH

You may be thinking ‘but what about the kids, they need their dad in their life’

Yes, we understand that you don’t want your children fatherless however, It’s better to be from a broken home than to be in a broken home. Staying with your abusive partner is only going to hurt the children. You are teaching your daughter that this is the standard for a relationship. You’re teaching your son that it is okay to in fact hit a woman.

IIT’S TIME TO BREAK THE CYCLE!!!

I know it is the hardest thing to get out of and you’d rather stay because you’re terrified of change, but sometimes, change is absolutely necessary and you will grow from this and you will become a stronger woman because of this. We are here for you!

If you know someone who is being abused or if you are being abused please seek immediate help. Tell someone you trust.

 “If one of you sees something wrong, let him change it with his hand; if he cannot, then with his tongue; if he cannot, then with his heart and this is the weakest faith.”  Prophet Mohammad SAW

There are a number of trusted agencies who will help. Here is one agency for the city that I live in:

Muslim Welfare Centre – Toronto and GTA http://bit.ly/1r4vAyR

For help in your City please Google ‘Women’s violence help’ and the town or city that you reside in.

I pray that Allah protects the whole Ummah from oppression and keeps everyone safe. Ameen Thuma Ameen.

Until my next post

Umm Johar

    7 Comments

  1. Ayeesha Dicali April 22, 2016 at 3:24 am Reply

    This hit me. I am a divorced woman for almost a year now. I am reminded of some dark memories. But Alhamdulillah! I have survived. Women are always the victims, thus, we need to be supportive of each other.

  2. Nakida April 22, 2016 at 3:53 am Reply

    Wa alaykum as salaam wa rahmtullah wa barakatuh, First, Ameen to your dua. Yes, it’s very disheartening when things like this happen in our community. A lot of women are afraid to talk about it or even seek help. And sometimes it is our closest relatives or friends who are dealing with this problem, and we had no idea what was going on, then it;s too late. I feel like there’re a lot of resources for women and men to call anonymously and seek serious help if they are ready. And Islam discusses the women in all issues, and our religion does not condone abuse from either sides. Al hamdulillah

  3. Ruku April 22, 2016 at 2:17 pm Reply

    Unfortunately a lot of abuse goes on in our communities and we find out about it too late. I wish there was a way these women/children could feel confident to approach somebody without the fear of being ashamed or shunned. A much needed post, thank you for your write up.

  4. Gemma Elizabeth April 22, 2016 at 9:05 pm Reply

    Domestic abuse is far too common in these modern times. This blog post has really helped me to understand this topic better. I was previously not aware of the cycle of violence. Thank you for bringing this worrying issue to our attention.

  5. Afreen Zia April 23, 2016 at 7:57 am Reply

    Heart breaking topic domestic abuse..very touchy

  6. Sainab April 24, 2016 at 4:32 pm Reply

    Ameen! May Allah protect us from domestic abuse, it’s such a horrifc thing to go through

  7. Iman April 24, 2016 at 10:21 pm Reply

    I used to work on a helpline and I help to moderate a forum where women have posted about their experiences and they are always heartbreaking to read/ listen to. SubhanAllah you wonder what brings a person to the point where they inflict violence and trauma onto another human being, in many instances – the mother of their children, their wives, their daughters … it’s heartwrenching. Ameen to your lovely duaa and may you be rewarded for educating us all about it.

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